Just to clear up any confusion that might remain over my tax affairs.
Yes, I had myself named a charity in 2004, at which point I opened up my trousers to be used as a school by underprivileged children.
Yes, I incorporated in 2006. Ian Bowler PLC has been trading in ham futures for quite some time now, and the proceeds from my public speaking engagements and from my regular column in Gay Tims (I cover any historical Tims, and how gay – or otherwise – they might have been. This week: Saint Timothy of Lystra, 83% likelihood) go into this company.
Yes, I pay myself a minimal salary in director’s drawings from one of my actual drawers.
Yes, my MP’s salary I take in kind, as is outlined in the Parliament Act of 1548. Currently, I receive 14 tuns of mead, nine score of hogs’ head, a hive of bees with an active queen, and 4 urchins (sea or street).
Yes, my expenses are paid directly into my wife’s, Brenda’s, bank account because she deals with household management from her household in tax haven Jersey.
Yes, I have been known to give the addresses of investigative journalists to noted financial fraudsters with whom I went to school, if they got too close to disclosing various financial dealings.
I hope that clears everything up. You people are vultures.
Here is the latest behind-the scenes video from my campaign.
And here’s the campaign video for those who may have missed that last week…
Here, at the British Comedy Guide.
And here, at Such Small Portions.
The insufferable leftists at Chortle have yet to comment.
I shan’t expect a call from the BBC, whose political coverage is dominated by hardened Trotskyites like ex-head-of-the-Young-Conservatives Nick Robinson, ex-Murdoch-newspaper-editor Andrew Neil, and eczema-covered buffoon Jeremy Clarkson…
Campaign artist, Mr Beau Bo D’Or, has been examining the pictures he made, and has decided that the hairline wasn’t entirely honest. So here are some new versions, if you’d prefer to have me looking slightly more experience, more elder-statesmanlike, more bald.
Take. Eat. (Don’t eat. Any attempt to eat a digital image file will end in you having to pick shards of LCD screen from your bleeding mouth. I learned this the hard way.) This is my face, broken for you…
Ken has pledged that he will only ever have one job if he is elected Mayor. I have decided to go one better.
Read his pledge: http://www.kenlivingstone.com/my-pledge-to-londoners
Then read mine:
People of London,
I think it’s appalling that you, as voters, should have to choose between a drink-sodden, priapic, bumptious right-wing simpleton and a wily appeaser-of-unpleasant-extremists with an unhealthy fixation on handling pond life. Why should you have to choose between those two? Especially when there’s a candidate who offers all of that, and more.
Now, I’m more well-known for my association with my countryside constituency of Buckland and Ruttington. My campaign to bring back village idiots, and to stop them being replaced with one, large, out-of-town superdunce near Aylesbury was notable for its enthusiasm, if not its success.
However, as an MP I have spent a lot of time in London. As much time as you could afford. I have dined in your many fantastic restaurants, been thrown out of your many inviting zoos, and, on one occasion, been held in remand at your beautiful HMP Wormwood Scrubses.
I have reason to believe that my candidacy would be supported by a huge range of people: from the very rich to the very prosperous. Some have suggested that I might be unduly influenced by my connections to United Beef. I admit that I do sit on the board of United Beef, but I strenuously reject that that has had any influence on my support for compulsory Bovril in maths lessons; the building of the 620-foot long Wall Of Cowmeat to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee; or the opening of St. Ermintrudes Beef-cademy School. I reject the insinuation that I have been injecting subliminal messages in my statements to promote the eating of the finest of meats because of my steak in the company.
So, in short, I am looking for the names of 330 London voters willing to support my candidacy. If I can find them, I can moo-ve on to fundraising (asking United Beef for a cheque).
So, if you want to see a change in London, pop your name below. Or subscribe to my You Tubes (Our Tubes?). Or my Twits (@sirianbowlermp).
After all, isn’t it time that London had someone who wasn’t a joke candidate?
Sir Ian Bowler, MP for Buckland & Ruttington, The Lesser Of Three Evils