Just to clear up any confusion that might remain over my tax affairs.
Yes, I had myself named a charity in 2004, at which point I opened up my trousers to be used as a school by underprivileged children.
Yes, I incorporated in 2006. Ian Bowler PLC has been trading in ham futures for quite some time now, and the proceeds from my public speaking engagements and from my regular column in Gay Tims (I cover any historical Tims, and how gay – or otherwise – they might have been. This week: Saint Timothy of Lystra, 83% likelihood) go into this company.
Yes, I pay myself a minimal salary in director’s drawings from one of my actual drawers.
Yes, my MP’s salary I take in kind, as is outlined in the Parliament Act of 1548. Currently, I receive 14 tuns of mead, nine score of hogs’ head, a hive of bees with an active queen, and 4 urchins (sea or street).
Yes, my expenses are paid directly into my wife’s, Brenda’s, bank account because she deals with household management from her household in tax haven Jersey.
Yes, I have been known to give the addresses of investigative journalists to noted financial fraudsters with whom I went to school, if they got too close to disclosing various financial dealings.
I hope that clears everything up. You people are vultures.
People of London and elsewhere! We are lucky enough to live in a democracy. A democracy where anyone can stand for elected office. A democracy where anyone with easy access to £10,000 can run for Mayor of London.
Unfortunately, the corporate sponsorship on which I was relying has not been forthcoming. You can see my upcoming video at the end of the week for details. Needless to say, the statement from United Beef contained the words: “dullard”, “mendacious”, and “shitting into the Thames is not congruent with the values of United Beef or its subsidiaries”.
Therefore, it is with great joy that I turn to the populace at large to help me find the £10,000 needed to run for Mayor of London. Why should the buying of politicians be the sole purview of the privileged few? For just £10, I will take your policy and put it on my manifesto.
Mao said “Let 1,000 flowers bloom.” I say “Let 1,000 unrealistic promises and thinly-veiled attempts at bribery be made.” Hoon, Hewitt and Byers said they could be “hired like a black cab”. That’s outrageous. Black cabs are extortionate. I can be hired like an unlicensed minicab, or rickshaw driver. All politicans can be bought. Only one can be bought this cheaply.
I am bringing corruption to the masses.
For the price of a round of drinks (or a drink, if you are in London) you could have your own policy enshrined as an official manifesto commitment of one of the candidates for London Mayor. If you’re feeling flush, give £20, and get two policies. Give £100, and you’ll get an extra one free. That’s eleven policies for the price of ten.
I want a manifesto of 1,000 policies, no matter how absurd, outlandish or mutually contradictory. That’s truly democracy in action.
London. I stand before you as the only openly corrupt politician on the ballot. And surely that’s something worth supporting?
Sir Ian Bowler
(Until the crowdfunding site is up and running, please list your pledges and manifesto commitments on our MANIFESTO page)
Here is the latest behind-the scenes video from my campaign.
And here’s the campaign video for those who may have missed that last week…
Here, at the British Comedy Guide.
And here, at Such Small Portions.
The insufferable leftists at Chortle have yet to comment.
I shan’t expect a call from the BBC, whose political coverage is dominated by hardened Trotskyites like ex-head-of-the-Young-Conservatives Nick Robinson, ex-Murdoch-newspaper-editor Andrew Neil, and eczema-covered buffoon Jeremy Clarkson…
Campaign artist, Mr Beau Bo D’Or, has been examining the pictures he made, and has decided that the hairline wasn’t entirely honest. So here are some new versions, if you’d prefer to have me looking slightly more experience, more elder-statesmanlike, more bald.
Take. Eat. (Don’t eat. Any attempt to eat a digital image file will end in you having to pick shards of LCD screen from your bleeding mouth. I learned this the hard way.) This is my face, broken for you…
Ken has pledged that he will only ever have one job if he is elected Mayor. I have decided to go one better.
Read his pledge: http://www.kenlivingstone.com/my-pledge-to-londoners
Then read mine:
No man is an island. Except the Isle of Man.
Since I announced my intention to form an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of perhaps standing for Mayor of London, your response has been deafening. I assume. Because I have heard nothing.
Nevertheless, I remain confident in the literally fours of people who have wished me well in this endeavour.
However, to win will take cunning, guile, passion, enthusiasm, talent, and bags of hard work. None of which I have.
So, I need you, puny mortals.
If any of you have skills like drawing, writing, the webs, or electing someone as London Mayor, I am going to need you. There’s no pay, but what I can promise is hours of thankless toil in airless rooms.
Specifically I will need:
A CAMPAIGN MANAGER
A WEBS PERSON
SOMEONE WHO CAN DRAW PRETTY THINGS
SOMEONE WHO CAN TAKE PRETTY PICTURES
These are my demands. If you want to be one of those people (or owls), send me a message at firstname.lastname@example.org
All the best with whatever it is you people do on Fridays.
(Sir Ian Bowler, MP)