Just to clear up any confusion that might remain over my tax affairs.
Yes, I had myself named a charity in 2004, at which point I opened up my trousers to be used as a school by underprivileged children.
Yes, I incorporated in 2006. Ian Bowler PLC has been trading in ham futures for quite some time now, and the proceeds from my public speaking engagements and from my regular column in Gay Tims (I cover any historical Tims, and how gay – or otherwise – they might have been. This week: Saint Timothy of Lystra, 83% likelihood) go into this company.
Yes, I pay myself a minimal salary in director’s drawings from one of my actual drawers.
Yes, my MP’s salary I take in kind, as is outlined in the Parliament Act of 1548. Currently, I receive 14 tuns of mead, nine score of hogs’ head, a hive of bees with an active queen, and 4 urchins (sea or street).
Yes, my expenses are paid directly into my wife’s, Brenda’s, bank account because she deals with household management from her household in tax haven Jersey.
Yes, I have been known to give the addresses of investigative journalists to noted financial fraudsters with whom I went to school, if they got too close to disclosing various financial dealings.
I hope that clears everything up. You people are vultures.
First, let’s clear something up. People say we want to destroy the NHS. But when my wife was in labour with our ‘daughter’ she spent 36 hours in agony. She lost a lot of blood. And without the kindness, the expertise, and the wisdom of the people in the NHS she would have died.
And I would be a free man.
People say “Shirley Williams is a tool of the party leadership”. I wouldn’t go that far. I would stop at “Shirley Williams is a tool”.
Some have said that the £21,000 Andrew Lansley received from John Nash (head of private medical organisation Care UK) just before the election was a bribe. Nothing could be further from truth.
A bribe is a significant amount of money paid to someone to change their behaviour. And when seen against the opening of half of all beds in all hospitals to private patients, £21,000 is not a significant amount of money.
Andrew Lansley is not a shill for private medical companies. That is his wife’s job.
For those of you hoping that Labour will repeal the bill, think on this. Labour Secretary of State Alan Milburn, architect of the 2002 reforms that made all of this possible, stood down in 2003 to head up Bridgepoint Capital. Which has as its clients Alliance Medical, Match Group, and Medica.
The Labour Secretary of State for Health who devised the 2006 reforms, which gave even more involvement to the private sector, was later one of those ex-ministers who described themselves as “available for hire like a black cab”.
Good luck with the Labour Party.
And Andy Burnham knows that, even if the Act is repealed, one thing cannot be revoked. Those areas opened to competition under EU competition law cannot be closed to it again. That’s irrevocable. That’s from today. Rejoice!
But don’t blame yourselves. There were two parties, both of whom committed themselves to ‘protecting the NHS’ and ‘no more top-down re-organisations’. And neither of them even won.
So then there was an outcry. And we had a listening exercise. Which we ignored.
And some of you protested. Blocked bridges, and the like. And we ignored that.
And we said we’d be the most open government ever, with epetitions that got more than 100,000 signatures being debated in Parliament. And you got 170,000 signatures. And we ignored that.
And then there were more petitions, and more protests, and letter-writing, and risk registers. And we ignored all of that.
This is, after all, the cradle of democracy. So go ahead. Protest. March. Petition.
If you don’t like it you can always vote for someone else. Not yet. Or in the foreseeable future, because we’ve shelved our plans for recalling MPs. And the someone else you could vote for agrees with us “that reform is needed in principle”.
And carry on exercising your democratic rights until you’ve got the £21,000 you need to effect real change. Not small change.
People of London and elsewhere! We are lucky enough to live in a democracy. A democracy where anyone can stand for elected office. A democracy where anyone with easy access to £10,000 can run for Mayor of London.
Unfortunately, the corporate sponsorship on which I was relying has not been forthcoming. You can see my upcoming video at the end of the week for details. Needless to say, the statement from United Beef contained the words: “dullard”, “mendacious”, and “shitting into the Thames is not congruent with the values of United Beef or its subsidiaries”.
Therefore, it is with great joy that I turn to the populace at large to help me find the £10,000 needed to run for Mayor of London. Why should the buying of politicians be the sole purview of the privileged few? For just £10, I will take your policy and put it on my manifesto.
Mao said “Let 1,000 flowers bloom.” I say “Let 1,000 unrealistic promises and thinly-veiled attempts at bribery be made.” Hoon, Hewitt and Byers said they could be “hired like a black cab”. That’s outrageous. Black cabs are extortionate. I can be hired like an unlicensed minicab, or rickshaw driver. All politicans can be bought. Only one can be bought this cheaply.
I am bringing corruption to the masses.
For the price of a round of drinks (or a drink, if you are in London) you could have your own policy enshrined as an official manifesto commitment of one of the candidates for London Mayor. If you’re feeling flush, give £20, and get two policies. Give £100, and you’ll get an extra one free. That’s eleven policies for the price of ten.
I want a manifesto of 1,000 policies, no matter how absurd, outlandish or mutually contradictory. That’s truly democracy in action.
London. I stand before you as the only openly corrupt politician on the ballot. And surely that’s something worth supporting?
Sir Ian Bowler
(Until the crowdfunding site is up and running, please list your pledges and manifesto commitments on our MANIFESTO page)
Here is the latest behind-the scenes video from my campaign.
And here’s the campaign video for those who may have missed that last week…
Here, at the British Comedy Guide.
And here, at Such Small Portions.
The insufferable leftists at Chortle have yet to comment.
I shan’t expect a call from the BBC, whose political coverage is dominated by hardened Trotskyites like ex-head-of-the-Young-Conservatives Nick Robinson, ex-Murdoch-newspaper-editor Andrew Neil, and eczema-covered buffoon Jeremy Clarkson…
Campaign artist, Mr Beau Bo D’Or, has been examining the pictures he made, and has decided that the hairline wasn’t entirely honest. So here are some new versions, if you’d prefer to have me looking slightly more experience, more elder-statesmanlike, more bald.
Take. Eat. (Don’t eat. Any attempt to eat a digital image file will end in you having to pick shards of LCD screen from your bleeding mouth. I learned this the hard way.) This is my face, broken for you…