The Weblog of Sir Ian Bowler, MP

MP for Buckland & Ruttington, devoted father, enthusiastic belcher

Category: Announcements

April 3, 2012

Lies, Fucking Lies and Statistics

Saint Timothy (ortodox icon)

Saint Timothy (orthodox icon) (Photo credit: Wikipedia) (quite gay)

Just to clear up any confusion that might remain over my tax affairs.

Yes, I had myself named a charity in 2004, at which point I opened up my trousers to be used as a school by underprivileged children.

Yes, I incorporated in 2006. Ian Bowler PLC has been trading in ham futures for quite some time now, and the proceeds from my public speaking engagements and from my regular column in Gay Tims (I cover any historical Tims, and how gay – or otherwise – they might have been. This week: Saint Timothy of Lystra, 83% likelihood) go into this company.

Yes, I pay myself a minimal salary in director’s drawings from one of my actual drawers.

Yes, my MP’s salary I take in kind, as is outlined in the Parliament Act of 1548. Currently, I receive 14 tuns of mead, nine score of hogs’ head, a hive of bees with an active queen, and 4 urchins (sea or street).

Yes, my expenses are paid directly into my wife’s, Brenda’s, bank account because she deals with household management from her household in tax haven Jersey.

Yes, I have been known to give the addresses of investigative journalists to noted financial fraudsters with whom I went to school, if they got too close to disclosing various financial dealings.

I hope that clears everything up. You people are vultures.

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March 12, 2012

Give Me Your Money!

People of London and elsewhere! We are lucky enough to live in a democracy. A democracy where anyone can stand for elected office. A democracy where anyone with easy access to £10,000 can run for Mayor of London.

Unfortunately, the corporate sponsorship on which I was relying has not been forthcoming. You can see my upcoming video at the end of the week for details. Needless to say, the statement from United Beef contained the words: “dullard”, “mendacious”, and “shitting into the Thames is not congruent with the values of United Beef or its subsidiaries”.

Therefore, it is with great joy that I turn to the populace at large to help me find the £10,000 needed to run for Mayor of London. Why should the buying of politicians be the sole purview of the privileged few? For just £10, I will take your policy and put it on my manifesto.

Mao said “Let 1,000 flowers bloom.” I say “Let 1,000 unrealistic promises and thinly-veiled attempts at bribery be made.” Hoon, Hewitt and Byers said they could be “hired like a black cab”. That’s outrageous. Black cabs are extortionate. I can be hired like an unlicensed minicab, or rickshaw driver. All politicans can be bought. Only one can be bought this cheaply.

I am bringing corruption to the masses.

For the price of a round of drinks (or a drink, if you are in London) you could have your own policy enshrined as an official manifesto commitment of one of the candidates for London Mayor. If you’re feeling flush, give £20, and get two policies. Give £100, and you’ll get an extra one free. That’s eleven policies for the price of ten.

I want a manifesto of 1,000 policies, no matter how absurd, outlandish or mutually contradictory. That’s truly democracy in action.

London. I stand before you as the only openly corrupt politician on the ballot. And surely that’s something worth supporting?

Yours,

Sir Ian Bowler

(Until the crowdfunding site is up and running, please list your pledges and manifesto commitments on our MANIFESTO page)

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March 1, 2012

We’re In The (Comedy) News!

Here, at the British Comedy Guide.

And here, at Such Small Portions.

The insufferable leftists at Chortle have yet to comment.

I shan’t expect a call from the BBC, whose political coverage is dominated by hardened Trotskyites like ex-head-of-the-Young-Conservatives Nick Robinson, ex-Murdoch-newspaper-editor Andrew Neil, and eczema-covered buffoon Jeremy Clarkson…

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February 29, 2012

It’s On, Bitches! (And Buck-Hounds. And Labrador Whelps)

So, this morning I surpassed the 330 follower-mark on Twitter. This means that I now have the necessary signatures to get onto the ballot. Assuming all of those pornbots are London-based.

Shit just got real. (Sidenote: shit is always real. Very real. I can attest to that after a messy night out with Gove, Lansley, and Danny Alexander last night. Shit is very real. And sewerage is very real. Very real and very necessary.)

So, now we move on to Phase 2: raising the £10,000 deposit. There will be some hugely exciting news about how you can actually give me your real money at the manifesto launch in a couple of days time.

Remember, I’m the least worst offer you’re going to get. The least worst by far…

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February 24, 2012

Tomorrow Starts Now!

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February 23, 2012

Manna From Heaven!

Prepare your eyes and loins! Visual materials have arrived.

That's What It Sounds Like When Doves Cry

Vote Bowler 2012!

And, for the more excitable amongst you, there’s this version:

Excitable!

Please vote Bowler 2012!

There’s also this (which I like to think of as Triumph Of The Willy):

I Believe That Young People Are Our Future. And Past.

Why won't you vote Bowler 2012?

Or this:

Use Me!

You people are scum...

And this one:

We wanted something snappy

I hope something dreadful happens to you...

And the big one that started it all:

It is, too

Fine. Be like that. Whatever.

Take. Eat. This is my big, fat face rendered in vector art for you. Do with them what you will. And make me Mayor.

(Thanks to Beau Bo D’Or for the posters, and to Monica Sablone for the photo they were based on.)

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February 21, 2012

I am superb!

Right.

Ken has pledged that he will only ever have one job if he is elected Mayor. I have decided to go one better.

Read his pledge: http://www.kenlivingstone.com/my-pledge-to-londoners

Then read mine:

Unlike Nick Clegg, I know the meaning of the word 'pledge'.

I pledge you this.

Ball-rattling stuff.

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January 27, 2012

Join Me!

Dear Humans,

No man is an island. Except the Isle of Man.

Since I announced my intention to form an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of perhaps standing for Mayor of London, your response has been deafening. I assume. Because I have heard nothing.

Nevertheless, I remain confident in the literally fours of people who have wished me well in this endeavour.

However, to win will take cunning, guile, passion, enthusiasm, talent, and bags of hard work. None of which I have.

So, I need you, puny mortals.

If any of you have skills like drawing, writing, the webs, or electing someone as London Mayor, I am going to need you. There’s no pay, but what I can promise is hours of thankless toil in airless rooms.

Specifically I will need:

A CAMPAIGN MANAGER

A WEBS PERSON

SOMEONE WHO CAN DRAW PRETTY THINGS

SOMEONE WHO CAN TAKE PRETTY PICTURES

AN OWL

These are my demands. If you want to be one of those people (or owls), send me a message at sirianbowlermp@gmail.com

All the best with whatever it is you people do on Fridays.

Ian

(Sir Ian Bowler, MP)

1 comment
January 25, 2012

Attention, People of London!

People of London,

I think it’s appalling that you, as voters, should have to choose between a drink-sodden, priapic, bumptious right-wing simpleton and a wily appeaser-of-unpleasant-extremists with an unhealthy fixation on handling pond life. Why should you have to choose between those two? Especially when there’s a candidate who offers all of that, and more.

Me.

Now, I’m more well-known for my association with my countryside constituency of Buckland and Ruttington. My campaign to bring back village idiots, and to stop them being replaced with one, large, out-of-town superdunce near Aylesbury was notable for its enthusiasm, if not its success.

However, as an MP I have spent a lot of time in London. As much time as you could afford. I have dined in your many fantastic restaurants, been thrown out of your many inviting zoos, and, on one occasion, been held in remand at your beautiful HMP Wormwood Scrubses.

I have reason to believe that my candidacy would be supported by a huge range of people: from the very rich to the very prosperous. Some have suggested that I might be unduly influenced by my connections to United Beef. I admit that I do sit on the board of United Beef, but I strenuously reject that that has had any influence on my support for compulsory Bovril in maths lessons; the building of the 620-foot long Wall Of Cowmeat to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee; or the opening of St. Ermintrudes Beef-cademy School. I reject the insinuation that I have been injecting subliminal messages in my statements to promote the eating of the finest of meats because of my steak in the company.

So, in short, I am looking for the names of 330 London voters willing to support my candidacy. If I can find them, I can moo-ve on to fundraising (asking United Beef for a cheque).

So, if you want to see a change in London, pop your name below. Or subscribe to my You Tubes (Our Tubes?). Or my Twits (@sirianbowlermp).

After all, isn’t it time that London had someone who wasn’t a joke candidate?

Yours,

Sir Ian Bowler, MP for Buckland & Ruttington, The Lesser Of Three Evils

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