The Manifesto of 1,000 Pledges

People of London and elsewhere! We are lucky enough to live in a democracy. A democracy where anyone can stand for elected office. A democracy where anyone with easy access to £10,000 can run for Mayor of London.

Unfortunately, the corporate sponsorship on which I was relying has not been forthcoming. You can see my upcoming video at the end of the week for details. Needless to say, the statement from United Beef contained the words: “dullard”, “mendacious”, and “shitting into the Thames is not congruent with the values of United Beef or its subsidiaries”.

Therefore, it is with great joy that I turn to the populace at large to help me find the £10,000 needed to run for Mayor of London. Why should the buying of politicians be the sole purview of the privileged few? For just £10, I will take your policy and put it on my manifesto.

Mao said “Let 1,000 flowers bloom.” I say “Let 1,000 unrealistic promises and thinly-veiled attempts at bribery be made.” Hoon, Hewitt and Byers said they could be “hired like a black cab”. That’s outrageous. Black cabs are extortionate. I can be hired like an unlicensed minicab, or rickshaw driver. All politicans can be bought. Only one can be bought this cheaply.

I am bringing corruption to the masses.

For the price of a round of drinks (or a drink, if you are in London) you could have your own policy enshrined as an official manifesto commitment of one of the candidates for London Mayor. If you’re feeling flush, give £20, and get two policies. Give £100, and you’ll get an extra one free. That’s eleven policies for the price of ten.

I want a manifesto of 1,000 policies, no matter how absurd, outlandish or mutually contradictory. That’s truly democracy in action.

London. I stand before you as the only openly corrupt politician on the ballot. And surely that’s something worth supporting?

Yours,

Sir Ian Bowler

Below is the manifesto as it stands at the moment, with all of the pledges on. To add your pledge, leave a comment at the bottom of the page, telling how much you wish to donate, and what policies you would like to add to the manifesto. We’ll be updating the manifesto once a day.

Soon, there will be a proper crowdfunding site, where lots of other rewards will become available (Parp! postcards, meetings with the candidate, badges) in exchange for your hard-earned. Until then, just add a comment here with the amount of your proposed donation and the policies you’d like to see on the manifesto. We’ll be in touch if it looks like we’re getting enough to get the deposit together very shortly…

(Remember £10 = 1 manifesto commitment, £50 = 5 manifesto commitments written in bold, SPECIAL OFFER £100 = 11 manifesto commitments!)

Still to raise: £9015

THE MANIFESTO

  1. Four new airports for London, all underground for easy accesss to the Tube.
  2. All Christians to wear hats.
  3. The Thames to be tarmacked over to make a ten-lane motorway from Tilbury to Windsor, connecting all the airports as well as showing the river who’s boss. (Mankind is the boss of rivers)
  4. Dog owners who do not clear up dog poo will be forced to poo where their dog has, and then clear up *both* messes. Harsh, but fair.
  5. All London pavements to be replaced with Travelators.
  6. Sarah’s birthday to be made a bank holiday, Tottyday, and definitely to be made sunny. This will be implemented the day after the election. It is one of our top priorities. And now it is in bold.  And underlined. Because of the generosity of the pledge…
  7. All microwaves should play the theme from Tales Of The Unexpected as the food rotates.
  8. Goatmix to be recognised as Baron of Barking by City Hall.
  9. All church services to have DJs, hymns to be replaced by club classics.
  10. All tourists to be banned from Central London at peak times and weekends.
  11. Maddie to have a private tram that goes from Her Door to Her Office Door.
  12. Kenny G music to be pumped into Maddie’s tram constantly.
  13. All umbrella and wheelie suitcase users to be made to pass a driving test.
  14.  Umbrella use banned by anyone under 6’4″. (For the purposes of this ordinance, the Mayor shall be imagined to be 6’5″.
  15. Anyone obstructing platforms by reading whilst changing trains to be subjected to trial by ordeal on the ducking stool.
  16. London to wage war on Milton Keynes until the football club it stole is destroyed.
  17. All new Routemasters to have open tops.
  18. M23 to be extended underground to Trafalgar Square.
  19. It will be a criminal offence to order a Guinness at the end of a large round of drinks, punishable by kicking.
  20. All persons within view of Nadine Dorries must point and laugh at her until she (or they) has passed by. This includes MPs.
  21. London to be renamed ‘Nodnol’.
  22. The statue of Nelson in Trafalgar Square be given a Fu Manchu moustache so splendid that it actually touches the ground.
  23. All politicians to be compelled to wear bermuda shorts and diving flippers when on official engagements in London.
  24. All candidates for elected office to be forced to subsist of a diet made from foods the same colout as their party rosette for three months prior to an election.
  25. Parliament Square to be renamed “The Royal Borough of Quislington”.
  26. All politicians to be banned from access to banned access to private healthcare. And a free vote to be held on the Health & Social Care Act 2012.
  27. Half-price Tube fares for people who swing upside-down from the handles on trains, dressed as Batman.
  28. Walkway of ropes, based on the Forest Moon of Endor to be opened for subscribers, so that they can avoid tourists. They will be identified by dressing as Ewoks before mounting the walkway.
  29. Everything outside the M25 to be labelled ‘Here Be Dragons” on maps in London schools.
  30. London to relinquish status as capital city to Wolverhampton.
  31. The Mayor will have all pre-election pledges tattooed on his arms in no less than 12-point font.
  32. Dome-shaped cage to surround London, and protect against the threat of Night Pelicans.
  33. Loop the loops to be inserted in the Central and Jubilee Lines. Sudden plummeting to become a feature of the Jubilee Line.
  34. All roads within the M25 to be pedestrianised.
  35. All drivers of certain cars to be tarred and feathered as an example to others of their kind.
  36. All politicians to dress as Daleks.
  37. Sound proof booth for families with children in each cafe.
  38. London Anthem to be written by Karl Phillips to be used on state occasions.
  39. All pigeons and waterfowl within Greater London to be fitted with tiny bloomers. The Queen’s swans can have flares to indicate their social superiority.
  40. Anyone in London wearing a bowler hat will also have the right to carry a sword.
  41. London to become a city-state independent of the rest of the UK.
  42. St Paul’s to become a hallowed place of worship for those of the Pastafarian religion.
  43. Any bicycle used on London’s roads shall have four wheels, be encased in a metallic shell, and powered by a V6 engine.
  44. Cyclists to have to pass two stage riding test, and have insurance before being allowed on London’s roads.
  45. All London Underground signs to be replaces with 5-ft posters of Kris Akabusi topped with a powerful loudhailer. Said loudhailer shall announce ‘Byker!’ when a train enters a station, and ‘Grove!’ when it leaves the platform.
  46. London to be protected by fanatical army of chinchillas.
  47. Another London Anthem to be written by Go Primitive.
  48. All places of worship to become clown-themed strip clubs.
  49. Chinatown to be demolished and reconstructed out of porcelain.
  50. The Queen to get Royal Yacht, Queenmobile, Queencave and Queenwing.
  51. All approach roads to London to be signposted “Abandon all hope ye who enter here”.
  52. A time machine for Peter Thompson.
  53. Users of self-checkout to be licensed, with licences to be checked regularly and carried at all times.
  54. Anyone who sees an empty black cab that they don’t need at that moment can ‘save it for later’.
  55. Passengers in the front seat of a DLR train to be allowed to drive it.
  56. As DLR trains enter tunnels, the theme from Indiana Jones is to play.
  57. Minimum walking speed for pedestrians at lunchtimes. Also, fat people to be banned from walking two abreast. Partly because this will allow the Mayor to say the work ‘breast’ in public.
  58. Caged bears to be held beneath the pavements to bite anyone who walks on the cracks.